A Few Thoughts
I read the results of a study many years ago that found women only normally have one close friendship during their lives. The study revealed most men have none! You might be thinking that social media solved those problems. We can have lots of instant friends! Probably not!
A man sitting in my living room years ago shared what he believed to be his role in life. He said there are basically two kinds of relationships we can have. One kind is just hand holding, i.e., we can meet and greet, shake hands and exchange pleasantries and move on. The other kind he said, pardon this analogy please, is when we get in bed with other people.
The second kind of relationship, he explained, is with people that will have our backs so to speak. These people will be there when we need help. These people won't reject us when our behavior doesn't meet their standards. These people become close and will usually be with us for a lifetime, even though we may be separated by thousands of miles and decades of time. These are people we love, and will be loved by!
The First Step to the Second Kind of Relationship
The first kind of relationship is easy to find, everywhere actually. It can be found in our work, in our communities, in some of our families and even on the internet. It may be face-to-face, but usually is at a considerable distance emotionally!
Relationships of the first kind are how I approached relationships for most of my life. I could wear a mask around other people, but I could see their faults and usually wanted nothing to do with them! Besides, if I got close to them and they saw the mess I was, they would judge me the way I judge them. The way I judge them is usually the way I feel about myself . So, I'll get first strike, keep my distance and they will never know the real me, or so I liked to think!
See, it all begins with me. I am the most important person in my life. I want what I want, and it's probably not what others want! I am scrambling to climb my mountain, all the while kicking others away to avoid discomfort and interruption. As David Brooks put it in his book, "How to Know a Person," "Our worldview is not of the world (of each other!) as it is, but as we are in it!" Will it ever change? Maybe! I must have the courage to accept myself, however, before I can accept you!
Accepting Myself
To do this means I must rearrange my priorities. I must consider others more important than myself. I tried to do this for 45 years in my own strength, Constant failure! I still had huge regrets about my past behavior and finally realized I needed help, a Savior. This is when Jesus came into my life. Shortly after that, I was told in church that accepting Christ as my Savior made "all things new." This is what Scripture says but I still looked and behaved the same! I was still a mess!
What I also didn't realize was that nearly 40 years later I would still be needing His help! Why? First, when I allow Christ's Holy Spirit into my life, I must have revelation of who Christ is and who He made me to be. I thought I knew this but clearly did not! Jesus said I must lose my old life to gain it, eternal life in Christ (Matthew 16:24-25).
While positionally in God's provision this happens instantly, it will take most of us the process of a lifetime that allows the Holy Spirit to do His work in us!. I finally realized God's plan was not to fix me but to kill me, that is, my old man with roots in Adam. We have to die to ourselves to be able to accept others the way they are. This is a main reason why relationships are so difficult!
Our Life Journey is the Process
Over the last couple of years, several people have encouraged me to write "my story," I resisted these suggestions because I felt like I had many more failures than successes, and I didn't want to relive the pain. After exhausting my excuses, I felt I needed to write my story. Spending two days and creating 24 typewritten pages, the essence of my life as I perceived it was on paper. The great surprise was that I began to see God's working in my life, often through the hardships, suffering and failures! I actually began to see myself as God looked at me from the beginning of time, to begin to accept and love myself. I also realized there is no free ride for getting to where God is!!!
The Key to Close, Personal Relationships of the Second Kind
The Bible instructs us to love our neighbor, even our enemies. We are obviously not to love their sin, but to love the valuable human beings they are. We may question who is our neighbor, but as God loves the whole world so must we! I know, the Bible says we are to hate evil and love what is good. This means we must be able to separate the sin from the sinner. When we are willing to die to our self life, we become open to the Holy Spirit's guidance and working in us.
So, relationships that last a lifetime begin within ourselves, who we really are. It is about following the guidance in the New Testament of the Bible and understanding the working of the Holy Spirit. It is accepting others as they are and looking for ways to help them find and fulfill God's plan for their lives. It is about loving one another with God's kind of love! Do you have the courage for this journey?
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