CONFESSIONS OF A CONTRARIAN

 WHERE IT BEGAN

It was on the playground during recess when I was in the first grade. A a bigger boy, a bully, beat me up; well, he didn't really beat me up but pushed me to the ground and sat on me. His name was Kenny. Several things resulted from what happened to me that day.

1. I became afraid of bigger people, physically and positionally, that exercised control over me in some way. 
2. My physical stature was small so I hung around bigger friends for the rest of my childhood. Like in the ninth grade when four of us were chased by a gang; LeRoy, 6 foot, 2 inches tall, flattened the gang leader's nose to his face and the gang ran from us.
3. In college, I sought activities that put me in control. I became commander of a winning precision rifle drill team in ROTC. I could yell at the men but they couldn't yell back! At a ROTC summer camp survival exercise, my refusal to sit around and starve almost got me court marshalled. Scheduled to be Cadet Wing Commander during the following spring quarter of my senior year, I resigned my position and my future officer's commision to retaliate for being bullied.
4. As my accounting career developed, I was fired twice for being inconsiderate and insubordinate to my superiors. I learned how to look out for number one, me, no matter the cost. I perceived that all my leaders were looking out for themselves, at my expense! My perceptions became my reality!
5. Married to my college girlfriend, my controlling behavior led to divorce. A bully of a different kind, also in my childhood, was a female babysitter. I had to protect myself from women.
6. Later in my adult life I subscribed to the "get them first" policy. Meaning, of course, that everyone was my enemy and to survive I had to get them first. This deepened my self-centeredness and isolation. 
7. Here came the judge! Alone, functioning in anger and fear, I analyzed every situation and person in my circle of influence and made plans about how to come out on top. I didn't physically harm others but I left a trail of bleeding hearts! My first thoughts of others were judgment.

SO, WHAT NOW?

Paul cried, "What a wretched man I am" "Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death?" "Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!! I cried out and He rescued me. Well, after nearly 40 years I should say he is still in the process. Let me count some of the ways.

1. I know that Jesus gave us everything we need to become like Him when He died on the cross. But this begs the question, "If I am, why aren't I? If His love has been shed abroad in my heart by the Holy Spirit, why don't I feel love for many people? Grab your chair or desk and hold on. The answer is that there are pre-conditions. Most of us have not been taught this, but it is true.
2. The tendency for most of us is to make a "work" of purifying our hearts. I made a list of dos and don'ts early on. The problem was they didn't do the job of conforming me to the image of Christ.
3. We have to go back to the beginning in Rm !0:9-10. We have to have revelation of the Word, Christ, in our hearts. We have to KNOW who He is and what He has done for us.....in our hearts! This may be why studies by George Barna have indicated that less than 3% of people that respond to alter calls at church services are actually saved. Just praying a salvation prayer doesn't necessarily do the job!
4. It is reading, understanding and meditating on God's Word, particularly the Gospels and the Epistles, that brings change from the inside out. Revelation first brings faith and faith enables us to appropriate what we need, usually one thing at a time.

THE GOSPEL IS NOT ONE SIZE FITS ALL!

We are shaped by our life experiences, each unique in God's plan for us. Yes, He seeks unity in the body of Christ, but as there are many gifts there is one Spirit in all. The problem is that some of our strengths can also be our greatest weaknesses. What about us contrarians?

As I've said, my first thoughts are to judge others. They have been from the beginning and still often are, and we know that Scripture says we will be judged if we judge! So, my journey has been to try to give God control of my life, at least to ask Him to do that. Accepting the behavior of others and trusting God to guide me is the way; it's a somewhat trite saying but true, we have to LET GO AND LET GOD!

Oh, my, now I'm down to the trust issue! I tried that but I didn't get what I wanted. Yikes! A dead person doesn't seek what he or she wants! Years of failure, disappointment and discouragement ensued. I don't know why but for some reason I still want to be conformed to the image of Christ, i.e., to be like Him.

I've recognized along the way I do have some spiritual gifts, one of which is the discerning of spirits. I've had to learn the gift is NOT the judging of spirits, but I am becoming a little better in waiting for the Holy Spirit to lead me. A little better I said.

There you have it, a small part of what I need to confess for you to know who I am. A real reason for this writing is to let you know I am as big a mess as anyone, old but still a mess in many ways. There is hope for us all! His name is Jesus!